The Fastest Way to Stop an Argument

One simple technique to de-escalate in the moment, even if things are already heated—advice from a Columbia, MD couples therapist.

Arguments have a way of spiraling fast. One minute you’re trying to make a point, and the next you’re both defensive, talking over each other, bringing up things that have nothing to do with the original issue. It can feel like the same fight playing on repeat.

You probably don’t want to be right. You just want to feel understood. You want your partner to really hear you, not just react, but when emotions are high, that kind of connection feels out of reach.

There’s one technique I teach in nearly every high-conflict relationship I work with. It can shift the tone of the conversation in seconds. Even if things are already heated, it can stop the spiral and bring the conversation back to solid ground.

Why Arguing Feels Impossible to Stop

When you’re in the middle of a fight, everything speeds up. You’re thinking fast, talking fast, and reacting even faster. You’re not really listening anymore, you’re defending.

It’s not because you don’t care. It’s because your nervous system is in survival mode. When you feel attacked or misunderstood, your brain switches into fight, flight, or freeze. Your heart races, your thoughts narrow and your body gets ready to protect itself. That’s not a personal flaw, it’s how we’re wired. Our brains don’t differentiate between a physical and emotional threat so the guards go up and the claws come out in either situation.

In these moments, your partner stops feeling like your teammate and starts feeling like a threat. Once you’re both triggered, it’s almost impossible to hear each other, let alone resolve anything.

That’s why most arguments aren’t really about the topic at hand, they’re about how each person is feeling in the moment. The fact that they are triggered in the moment and feel unsafe, unheard and disconnected from you. Once those feelings take over, the frontal lobe shuts off and logic goes out the window.

The Disarming Technique

One of the fastest ways to stop an argument is by doing the exact opposite of what you probably feel like doing in the moment.

Instead of defending yourself, you agree with something your partner is saying. Not all of it. Just the part that’s true. The part that you can genuinely agree with.

This is what psychiatrist and author David Burns calls the Disarming Technique: finding the kernel of truth in what the other person is saying, even if you disagree with 90% of it. When you do this, it takes all the fuel out of the fight.

You don’t have to believe everything they’re saying is fair. You don’t have to like the way they said it. But if you can identify just one part that you genuinely agree with and say it out loud, the conversation shifts immediately.

Here’s what it might sound like:

• "You’re right, I didn’t text when I said I would. I get why you felt ignored."

• "I can see how my tone came off as rude. That wasn’t my intention, but I hear you."

When you agree with something they said, it creates safety. It reminds your partner that you’re on the same team. And you can’t argue with someone when they’re agreeing with you.

This isn’t about giving in. It’s about showing that you’re willing to be honest and take responsibility for your part. It’s about calming the storm instead of adding to it.

I teach this to high-conflict couples all the time and what surprises them most is how quickly it works. The moment one person drops the defensiveness and owns something true, the other usually softens too.

It’s not about who’s right. It’s about choosing connection over control.

How to Find the Kernel of Truth

That truth might be uncomfortable. It might be something you don’t want to admit. But it’s usually there.

Ask yourself:

• Did I interrupt?

• Was my tone sharp?

• Have I done this before?

• Would I be upset too, if I were them?

You’re not saying they’re completely right. You’re just being honest about your part. And when you do that, it shifts the entire dynamic.

Here’s the key: don’t follow it with “but.” Saying, “You’re right, but…” puts you right back in defensiveness. Just say the true thing, and stop there.

"You’re right—I’ve been distracted lately."

"I do that sometimes. I see how it’s frustrating."

It might feel counterintuitive at first, especially if you’re used to defending yourself to feel safe. But when you drop the guard and tell the truth—just your truth—it creates a moment of safety for both of you. It’s a reminder that this isn’t a competition. It’s a relationship.

You might think, What if I don’t agree with anything they’re saying? That usually means you’re in full-blown defensiveness mode, which is understandable. But if you really pause and look for something valid, it’s almost always there.

And finding a point of agreement doesn’t always mean admitting to wrongdoing, it can also be just agreeing to a small part of the original argument. Maybe there’s something better about the school your partner likes. Maybe you have been spending less time together. Maybe they just want to feel heard. You don’t have to agree with the whole argument. You just have to find one piece of it that makes sense and let them know.

For example:

• “You’re right that it’s been a long time since we’ve had fun together.”

• “You’re right, I did check my phone during dinner.”

• “You’re right, pizza isn’t the healthiest dinner to have three nights in a row.”

That one moment of agreement can be enough to shift everything.

What This Does for Your Relationship

When you respond with agreement instead of defensiveness, even in a small way, it changes the entire dynamic of the relationship.

Your partner softens. The tension drops. You both feel more human to each other again.

Over time, these moments build trust. They create safety. And in high-conflict relationships, safety is the foundation for everything else. Repair, connection, vulnerability and intimacy all come after creating safety.

This technique doesn’t just stop one fight. It changes the way you communicate. It moves you out of patterns where you’re constantly protecting yourselves from each other and into patterns where you’re building something together.

You’re not giving in. You’re giving each other a chance to be understood. For most couples I work with, that’s the one thing they’ve been craving the most.

A Small Shift That Changes Everything

You don’t need to have it all figured out. You don’t need to agree on everything. Finding just one small piece of truth in what your partner is saying, and saying it out loud, can stop an argument in its tracks.

This isn’t about avoiding hard conversations. It’s about having them in a way that actually moves things forward instead of breaking you down.

Most couples I work with are stuck in patterns that feel impossible to change. But with the right tools, it really can get better. You can fight less. You can feel more connected. You can feel like a team again.

At Poole Conflict Solutions, we help high-conflict couples and new parents navigate the hardest seasons. If you’re tired of the same arguments, the same stuck places, the same hurt, it’s time to reach out.

We offer therapy in Maryland, Virginia, and Washington, DC.

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today and let’s get to work.