Considering Divorce? 5 Things to Think About First

By Orlesa Poole: Couples Counselor in Maryland, Virginia and Washington, DC

A reality check for couples who feel stuck, unsure, or ready to walk away, but don’t want to make the wrong move.

If you’re here, there’s probably a part of you that’s done. You might be feeling like the tension in your house has become unbearable. You're tired of fighting or tired of nothing ever changing. You might not even be sure how you feel anymore. Just numb. Burnt out. Distant.

It’s okay to be here. There’s no shame in wondering if you should leave your relationship. I’ve worked with many couples in this exact spot: one foot out the door, the other still hoping something might shift.

Before you make a decision that changes everything, I want to offer a few questions I ask in discernment counseling (a type of brief couples counseling). These questions aren’t to convince you to stay or to push you toward leaving. They're here to help you gain clarity.

1. What are you hoping will happen if you leave?

Sometimes the idea of divorce feels like a way out. A way to finally exhale. Many people don’t realize that the feelings they’re trying to escape, from loneliness to frustration and being misunderstood, can follow them into their next chapter if they don’t slow down and get clear on the reasons for these feelings.

What are you actually hoping for?

• Peace?

• A second chance with someone else?

• Less conflict in your home?

These are all valid hopes. The question is—will divorce actually bring those outcomes or is there another way to create them within the life you have now?

Sometimes people are really just hoping their partner will finally take them seriously. That they'll see how broken things feel. If that’s you, it’s worth saying it out loud, and seeing if change is possible, before making a permanent decision.

2. What’s your role in how things got here?

This one is hard. It’s not about taking all the blame. But it is about asking yourself: What part of the cycle do I participate in?

Do you shut down to protect yourself? Lash out when you feel hurt? Let things slide until you’re too resentful to speak kindly so you explode?

No matter what happens in the future, looking at your own role is the only way to grow. It’s the only way to avoid repeating the same patterns in your next relationship or in a post-divorce co-parenting dynamic.

And here's the truth I see over and over again in couples counseling: the moment both partners start to own their role is the moment things begin to shift. So, are there changes you could make that could shift the dynamic and help to bring you back in harmony with your spouse? Of course, change has to come from both partners, but one person putting in work could be the change needed to set the relationship on the right path.

3. Have you been completely honest with your partner?

It’s common to feel like you’ve tried everything, but when we really slow down in therapy, what I often see is that couples haven’t fully opened up. Not in a calm, vulnerable way.

You might have yelled, or hinted, or pulled away, but have you said:

“I’m hurt. I feel alone in this relationship. I don’t know how long I can keep going like this.”

That kind of honesty can be terrifying. But it’s often the only thing that cuts through the noise. When it’s done in a safe space, it can change the entire direction of the relationship.

If your partner doesn’t even know what’s at stake, they can’t show up differently. If they don’t know exactly what you need, they can’t give it to you.

4. Are you willing to try something different, just once more?

I work with couples every day who say they’ve “tried therapy before.” I always ask: what kind of therapy?

Because not all couples counseling is the same.
If you’ve never had a therapist who interrupts you mid-argument and says,

“Let’s slow this down. Say it again like this…”
then you probably haven’t had the kind of structure and tools that actually move the needle.

At Poole Conflict Solutions, we use evidence-based techniques like the Imago Dialogue and the Gottman Method. Yes, they feel awkward at first. But they work.

If what you’ve been doing isn’t working, there’s no harm in trying something different before you walk away.

5. Are you making a decision from clarity or from exhaustion?

When your nervous system is fried and you’re in survival mode, everything feels like too much. And in those moments, it’s easy to say, “I can’t do this anymore.”

Here’s something to think about:

• Are you making this decision from a calm, grounded place?

• Or are you just desperate for something to change?

Sometimes, a short break, a few sessions of discernment counseling, or even individual therapy can help you come back to yourself before making a life-altering choice. You don’t have to rush. You don’t have to decide on your worst day.

You Don’t Have to Decide Alone

You're not the only one who’s felt confused, stuck, or afraid to hope again. You deserve support from someone who won’t judge you, can help you see your situation clearly and figure out what you actually want.

At Poole Conflict Solutions, I work with couples who are in that exact gray area. Some want to rebuild. Some are leaning toward leaving. Most just need space to figure it out without being pressured.

If you’re looking for marriage counseling, couples counseling, or relationship counseling in Maryland, Virginia, or Washington, DC, I’d be honored to help.

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today. Let’s talk about what’s going on and what comes next.