Stop Saying This One Phrase in Arguments

Advice from a Maryland Couples Counselor Who Works with High-Conflict Relationships

This common phrase derails conversations and shuts down real connection. Here's what to say instead.

When you’re in the middle of an argument with your partner, it’s easy to feel like nothing you say will come out right. You’re trying to explain yourself. They’re not hearing you. You both start raising your voices or shutting down and suddenly, it’s the same fight again.

In almost every high-conflict couple I’ve worked with, there’s one line that get thrown out a lot. Sometimes it’s said calmly, sometimes through gritted teeth. But either way, they has the same impact.

The statement: “I didn’t do that!”

It might sound like a reasonable thing to say, but it’s usually a fast track to more conflict and less connection.

Why “I didn’t do that,” Makes Things Worse

When your partner brings something up that hurt them, your first reaction might be to defend yourself. You might say, “That didn’t happen,” because from your point of view, it didn’t. Not the way they’re describing it. You’re trying to be clear. You’re trying to be honest.

But what your partner hears is: “Your feelings are wrong.”
Or worse: “You’re making things up.”

It doesn’t matter if what they’re describing doesn’t feel true to you. If they’re hurt, something happened that needs your attention. Defending yourself too quickly cuts off the opportunity to understand them. It turns the conversation into a debate about facts, instead of an opening to rebuild trust.

In couples counseling, I work with partners to slow down and listen underneath the complaint. Often, there's a softer message in there: “I felt dismissed,” or “I needed more support.” Those things matter much more than whether your memory matches theirs.

Why Defensiveness Happens (And Why “I Didn’t Do That” Doesn’t Help)

Defensiveness usually shows up when we feel blamed, misrepresented, or unfairly attacked. Saying, “I didn’t do that” is often a way to protect yourself. You want to push back, correct the story, or explain your intentions, but in the middle of an argument, saying “I didn’t do that” almost never lands the way you want it to.

You’re trying to make things accurate, but what your partner hears is that you don’t care how they feel. That their experience is wrong. That you’re more interested in defending yourself than listening.

When emotions are running high, facts don’t matter nearly as much as feelings do. You might not think you did anything wrong, but if your partner is hurt, the most important thing to do is to slow down and try to understand that hurt. You don’t have to agree with every detail. You don’t have to accept blame for things you didn’t do, but correcting them in the moment almost always makes things worse.

If you actually want to be heard, addressing their feelings in the moment and waiting until later (when things are calm) to speak your piece, is usually much more productive.

What This Phrase Is Trying to Do

Let’s give you some credit: you’re not trying to make things worse. When you say, “I didn’t do that,” it’s usually because you’re hurt too. You feel misunderstood and you want your partner to see your intentions.

That makes sense. The problem is that this phrase protects you, rather than connects you.

Underneath that defensiveness is usually fear:

• “If I admit I hurt them, I’ll feel like the bad guy.”

• “If I don’t defend myself, no one will.”

• “If they think I’m selfish or mean, they’ll leave me.”

In couples counseling, we get to slow this down. We take a closer look at what you're trying to protect and what you're needing instead. When you’re not in fight-or-flight mode, you can communicate from that deeper place. That’s when everything changes.

What to Say Instead (And Why It Works)

So if this go-to line is off the table, what can you say in the heat of the moment?

Here are a few phrases I teach my clients that can shift an argument immediately:

• “I can see this really upset you. Can you tell me more about how it felt?”

• “I don’t remember it the same way, but I want to understand your side.”

• “It wasn’t my intention to hurt you, but I can tell that I did. I’m sorry.”

These responses don’t require you to agree with everything your partner says. They just show that you care enough to stay open. That you’re listening. That you're willing to step into their experience, even if it’s uncomfortable.

This is what I help couples do every day. In our sessions, we practice these exact conversations. You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to be willing to try something different.

You Deserve a Relationship That Feels Safe to Speak In

If you’re feeling like every conversation turns into a fight, or like nothing ever really gets resolved, you’re not alone. It’s not about who’s right. It’s about how you both show up when things get hard.

Learning to let go of defensiveness and replace it with curiosity, honesty, and respect is hard work, but it’s also what makes your relationship feel safe again.

You deserve to be heard and your partner does too.

Ready to Have Different Conversations? Let’s Talk.

At Poole Conflict Solutions, we specialize in helping couples who are stuck in cycles of blame, defensiveness and disconnection. Whether you’re navigating constant arguments, recovering from a betrayal, or just trying to feel close again, we can work on it together.

We offer discreet, specialized couples therapy in Columbia, Maryland and virtually throughout Maryland, Virginia, and Washington, DC.

If you’re ready to stop repeating the same arguments and start communicating in a way that actually works, I invite you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

Let’s figure out what’s getting in the way and what it would take to turn things around.