The First 3 Things I Teach Every High-Conflict Couple

The foundational skills I use in marriage counseling to help couples in Maryland, Virginia, and DC rebuild safety, connection, and understanding

When couples come to me, things usually feel like they’re already at a breaking point. Maybe you're avoiding each other. Maybe you're having the same fight on repeat. Or maybe you've stopped fighting altogether…and that silence feels just as painful.

Fighting couple at table needing marriage counseling

If you're reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve been trying to fix things on your own. You’ve read the books, watched the videos, maybe even tried therapy before, but nothing has stuck.

That’s because high-conflict relationships need more than advice. They need a reset. And that reset starts with learning three specific skills. These are the very first things I teach every couple I work with.

Learn the Imago Dialogue

When emotions are running high, it’s easy to talk past each other, or not talk at all. That’s why I teach Imago Dialogue as the foundation for communication. It’s not just about listening. It’s about creating safety so each partner can finally feel heard, not judged.

Here’s how it works:

• Mirror: Repeat back exactly what your partner said, without adding anything or responding yet.

• Validate: Let them know that what they’re saying makes sense, even if you don’t completely agree.

• Empathize: Acknowledge how that experience must have felt for them.

At first, it might feel scripted or awkward. But with practice, it becomes second nature. Most couples tell me it's the first time they’ve truly felt understood in years.

Empathy Isn’t Optional—It’s Everything

Partners sitting together with visible emotion.

In high-conflict relationships, empathy is usually the first thing to disappear. When you're hurt, frustrated, or exhausted, it’s hard to care how your partner feels—especially if they’re the one who hurt you.

But empathy is non-negotiable if you're trying to rebuild connection.

I teach couples that empathy isn't about agreeing. It's about making space for someone else's feelings. It sounds like:

• “That must have felt really overwhelming for you.”

• “I can see why that upset you.”

• “You didn’t deserve to feel that alone.”

Empathy softens the whole conversation. It lowers defenses. And it makes your partner want to hear you out, too.

Respond to the Emotion, Not the Content

This is one of the most powerful shifts I see in couples.

When your partner is upset, it’s easy to get caught in the details:

• “That’s not what I said.”

• “You’re twisting my words.”

• “You’re being too sensitive.”

But those reactions usually make things worse.

What I teach instead is to pause and look for the emotion underneath. If your partner says, “You never support me,” try hearing the feeling behind it: I feel alone. I feel unseen.

You don’t have to agree with the wording. You don’t have to fix anything. You just have to respond to what’s underneath.

Try saying:

• “I didn’t realize it felt that way for you. I’m sorry.”

• “That sounds really painful.”

• “I want to understand more.”
  

When couples learn to respond to the emotion, they stop escalating and start connecting.

These 3 Skills Change the Entire Tone of Your Relationship

I don’t promise quick fixes, but I do believe that with the right tools, things can get better. These three skills—Imago Dialogue, empathy, and emotional responsiveness—are what I build every high-conflict couple's treatment plan around. Without them, nothing else sticks.

Happy couple embracing on couch

At Poole Conflict Solutions, we specialize in working with high-conflict couples, couples on the brink, and new parents who feel like they’ve lost their way. If you’re ready to start doing things differently, we’re here to help.

We offer virtual therapy in Maryland, Virginia, and Washington, DC. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to find out if we’re the right fit.