How to Have Couples Time When You Have No Childcare Help
Advice from a licensed couples counselor, wife and mom.
The advice to “just get a babysitter” doesn’t land when you don’t have one.
Maybe your family lives far away. Maybe you can’t afford help right now. Or maybe you’ve tried sitters and just haven’t found anyone you trust.
So what happens?
You stop being partners and start feeling more like coworkers. You’re both exhausted, touched out and barely speaking by the end of the day, except to ask who's getting up with the kid tomorrow.
As a therapist who works with couples in exactly this situation, I want you to know: connection is still possible. It just takes intention and a little creativity.
What I Recommend to My Clients When There’s No Babysitter in Sight
1. Redefine What “Date Night” Means
If your bar for quality time is dinner, drinks, and 4 hours of uninterrupted conversation, you’ll stay disconnected. Instead, lower the pressure and look for pockets of connection:
10 minutes sitting together with your phones down after bedtime.
Cooking a favorite meal together after the kids go to bed.
Taking a walk and talking while your child rides their bike or plays nearby.
Subscribing to a date night box (there are murder mystery, general date night, snack boxes and more intimate options) and trying something new together at home.
or my favorite tip:
Have a meal at a child friendly restaurant! There are several in the area that have a playground or play area where the kids can entertain themselves while you take time to connect.
Tiny moments count. Intimacy isn’t built from big gestures. It’s built from regular moments of turning toward each other, even when life is chaotic.
2. Plan Screen Time Strategically
If you’re anti-screen-time, I hear you. I agree that screen time has to come with serious limits, but a little bit of planned screen time can buy you a half-hour to:
Have a snack and drink a glass of wine together
Sit on the porch and decompress
Cuddle on the couch without being climbed on
This isn’t neglect. It’s modeling connection. Kids benefit from seeing their parents take time to be together.
3. Wake Up 20 Minutes Early Together
This one’s hard if you’re already exhausted, but even just once a week, try waking up before the chaos starts. Make coffee, sit in silence, or talk about something other than logistics and schedules. Morning connection sets a totally different tone for your day.
4. Have a Weekly “Connection Night”
Choose a night you both agree is non-negotiable. No scrolling, no work, no folding laundry. However, wine is allowed 😉.
Here’s what it can look like:
Check in: “How are you really feeling lately?”
Share something you appreciate about each other
Talk about what you did well as a couple that week
Watch something funny together
Go to bed at the same time and make physical contact, even if it’s just holding hands
It doesn’t have to be deep every week, but it does need to be protected time.
5. Stop Waiting for Perfect
Couples tell me that they’re waiting for things to get easier: when the baby sleeps, when they have more money, when school starts…
Here’s the thing, waiting for the “right” time to connect is what keeps couples stuck. There will never be a right time and you deserve time to connect with the person you love right now.
Connection now, even in small imperfect ways, is what brings your relationship back to life.
At Poole Conflict Solutions…
We help couples like you (tired, overworked, overwhelmed) build stronger relationships even when life is at its most chaotic.
Whether you’re navigating parenthood, high conflict, or just trying to figure out how to like each other again, you don’t have to wait until things calm down to get help.
We offer virtual therapy for couples in Maryland, Virginia, and Washington, DC. We also offer limited in-person sessions in Columbia, MD. You’ll get support that meets you where you are, no childcare required.
Because you deserve to feel happy and connected now, not when the time is right.
