Why 67% of New Parents Feel Disconnected
Advice from an experienced couples counselor, serving Maryland, Virginia and Washington, D.C.
Becoming parents can feel like losing each other.
You love your baby and you’re doing your best to get along, but somehow, the relationship with your partner feels strained and distant. It’s like you're always on different pages, missing each other’s cues and even the smallest things turn into arguments.
You're not imagining it and you're not overreacting. You’re also not alone.
67% of couples report feeling less satisfied in their relationship after having a baby. That number is real and I’ve seen it play out with so many couples I work with. The early parenting years are hard and while disconnection is common, it doesn’t have to be your story.
What’s Really Going On Beneath the Surface
The tension in your relationship likely isn’t about who does the dishes or how the baby gets rocked to sleep. It runs deeper than that.
When a baby enters your world, everything shifts. The roles you had before get blurry and time you used to spend together gets taken up by feedings, naps and exhaustion. You might be grieving your old life without realizing it.
To top it all off:
Hormones are all over the place.
Your body and mind are worn down from lack of sleep.
You’re coping with stress in different ways.
There’s no time for real connection.
The pressure to “do it right” makes it hard to just be with each other.
And let’s not forget the anxiety every new parent experiences trying to keep a brand new human alive.
All of this puts strain on your relationship, even when you’re madly in love and committed to each other.
How Disconnection Starts (And Why It’s So Common)
You don’t go from feeling close to feeling disconnected overnight.
It’s little things that build up:
You try to talk, but your partner doesn’t respond the way you need.
You ask for help, but it doesn’t feel like they really see how overwhelmed you are.
You start to feel like you’re managing everything alone, even if they’re right next to you.
You start a running tally of who does what and it seems like you do everything.
You’re trying your best as a new parent, but all you hear are complaints and to-do’s.
You’re feeling like your partner doesn’t see even half of what you do and they have no idea what it’s like to be you right now.
Eventually, you stop bringing things up because it doesn’t feel worth it. You stop asking for connection because you’re tired of being shut down, or you lash out because you’re so tired of carrying the mental and emotional load.
This isn’t about being bad partners. This is about stress, survival and not having enough support. Not to mention, being two completely different people who now have to relearn each other while learning this new baby.
The Impact on Your Relationship and Mental Health
Disconnection doesn’t just affect your relationship, it affects your entire life.
You might feel:
Like you’re always walking on eggshells
Touched out and burned out, with no time to refill your own cup
Resentful, snappy, or emotionally flat
Like you’re more roommates than partners
It can start to feel like nothing will change unless your partner changes first. But usually, both people are hurting. Both feel unseen. Both are trying, but in ways the other person doesn’t always recognize.
When your connection suffers, everything else does too. Parenting becomes harder. Communication breaks down. Even things like sleep and work take a hit. That’s why this rupture deserves real attention and not just “pushing through.”
What You Can Do to Reconnect
Rebuilding connection doesn’t mean planning weekly date nights (although thats great extra credit!) or pretending everything is fine. It means starting small and being consistent.
Here’s what I recommend in sessions:
1. Schedule short, real check-ins
Set aside 10–15 minutes a couple times a week to check in about feelings, not logistics. No phones. No kids. Just “How are you really doing?”
2. Replace blame with curiosity
Instead of “You never help,” try, “I’ve been feeling stretched so thin. I’m wondering if you’re feeling the same way. Can we talk about what’s working and what’s not?”
3. Be honest about your needs
You don’t need to be superparent. You just need to be real. Tell your partner what would help, even if it’s just, “Can you listen without trying to problem solve?”
4. Make room for connection
Even tiny moments of closeness matter: holding hands, saying thank you, making eye contact, hugs and kisses throughout the day. It’s not about big gestures, it’s about staying emotionally available.
5. Share appreciation
One thing new parents never hear enough of, even from their partners, is what they’re doing right. Every day, share one thing that you appreciate or that your partner did well. Try to make the appreciations and compliments outnumber the complaints.
6. Get help before it feels like a crisis
Therapy doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means you care enough to invest in it. Sometimes having a neutral third party changes everything.
Why Couples Counseling Can Help Sooner Than You Think
So many couples wait too long. They tell themselves it’s “just a phase,” or that things will feel better once the baby sleeps through the night or daycare starts. But those milestones come and go and the distance often stays.
Couples counseling is about having a safe space to be fully honest without hurting each other in the process.
Couples counseling can help you:
Feel heard and seen by each other again
Learn tools for navigating stress and big feelings
Rebuild safety, trust, and affection
Work as a team again, even when you're still exhausted
You don’t have to keep tiptoeing around each other or hoping things improve on their own.
You Don’t Have to Wait Until It’s a Crisis
The hardest part is usually just admitting, “We need help.”
Help doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. It just means you want to get back to each other and that you want to feel like a team again.
How Poole Conflict Solutions Can Help
At Poole Conflict Solutions, we specialize in helping couples in exactly this season of life. If you're feeling lost, disconnected, or stuck in patterns you can’t seem to change, we’re here to help.
We offer:
Specialized couples counseling for new parents
Expertise in high-conflict relationships and communication breakdown
Services available across Virginia, Washington, DC, and Maryland
Sessions offered virtually for your convenience and privacy
This work is hard, but it’s worth it. You deserve a relationship that feels like home, not another source of stress.
Let’s talk about what’s going on and how we can help you find your way back to each other.